Loving Gill Murray
by Linge
Summary: Another post-3x08 story. This is my first story, so I don't really know how to do this summary thing, but I'd say that although it's pretty angsty at times, it's also quite fluffy. Dedicated to ForFanfic and ukulelefoot.
1. Chapter 1

DSI Julie Dodson thought she had seen it all; nasty murdering scumbags, psychopathic serial killers, sickening low-life rapists and pedophiles, not to mention people who murdered their own family members. She had once been on a case where someone had killed two siblings – a brother and a sister – and then placed their severed heads on the front steps of their mother's house. She had dealt with families who'd had little children kidnapped and eventually found dead in completely horrifying states. But somehow, watching Gill Murray strapped to that car seat with a knife to her throat was the worst experience she'd ever had as a cop. She had absolutely no idea how she had managed to pull herself together throughout the whole ordeal of trying to save them both - Gill as well as Helen, who had not had much of a life, poor thing.

However, as bad as she felt about everything Helen had been put through in her life, it was knowing that Gill's life was in danger that had really scared the crap out of her.

Now, as she was sitting in the dark in her office, trying to make some sense of the events of the day, she found herself trembling and feeling physically ill thinking about what could have happened to her best friend that day… what could have happened to the woman she was in love with.

She felt bad about the way Helen's life had ended, and she knew Gill was absolutely devastated after having watched the poor woman die without being able to do anything. Julie was absolutely certain that they would have been able to help Helen, had she come to her senses, but sadly that wasn't what had happened.

Julie sighed heavily and slumped back in her office chair, staring at the unfinished report she was currently struggling with. She couldn't think very clearly anymore, it was getting late and she was worried about Gill. She still hadn't seen her since she had been rescued out of that car several hours ago. How was she feeling now? Was she still in shock? Was she in any pain at all? The belt had been awfully tight around her neck. Julie shook her head and put her face in her hands, trying to make the mental images go away.

After another fifteen minutes of not getting anything done, she shut her computer off and stood up, grabbing her coat in the process. She had to go see her. She had to go see Gill.

* * *

Gill Murray was perfection in human form. She was the impossible dream, the fantasy that could never become reality. Julie had been completely powerless to stop her emotions from running wild; from the very first moment she laid eyes on her she had been captivated by the sheer beauty of this woman. Getting to know her hadn't helped matters, either. She was smart, intuitive, compassionate and completely hilarious. There had been an instant connection as they had found common ground in the form of sarcasm and career ambitions.

The only downside? She had been married. To a man. Julie had thought to herself that it was just another silly crush, and that it would pass with time, but she had been wrong on so many levels. Gill had only become more and more beautiful to Julie, and every second spent with her uncovered little parts of her personality that just made her more lovable.

She remembered the moment she had realised that she would never love anyone else the way she loved Gill. It was just another Saturday night, and Gill had insisted they go to this gay bar, Taurus, on Canal Street. Julie had agreed, thinking it would be good for her to put herself out there, maybe meet some new people, and have some fun. Three cocktails into the evening, Gill had smiled challengingly and pointed towards a tall, curvy redhead standing at the bar sipping on a cosmo. "What about her?" Julie had looked in the direction Gill was pointing, and when she turned back to look at Gill, her best friend had been sitting there with a wide grin, her nose all crinkled up in that adorable way it always was, and suddenly Julie felt as if she had had the wind knocked out of her. She had managed to smile back, before standing up, announcing that she was just going to pop to the toilet. She had walked away as quickly as she could, and once she was safely inside of a toilet cubicle, she had broken down into tears. She knew that she was a hopeless case, and that she was all set to live the rest of her life being in love with someone she could never have. It was completely out of her control.

She had dried her eyes, reapplied her make-up, and made her way out to the bar. She tried to start a conversation with the redhead, but she remembered struggling to keep her gaze from wandering over to where Gill was sitting, smiling widely back at her from her seat. Her heart had ached so badly, and all she had wanted to do was escape. She'd stayed put for a chat and a drink with Lauren (Julie remembered this particular name because of how significant everything had seemed that evening), and half an hour later they'd exchanged phone numbers and moved on. Julie had returned to the table where Gill had been sitting the whole time, silently cheering her on. "Well?" She had inquired upon Julie's return, and Julie had held up her phone to indicate that she'd saved the woman's number. "Way to go, slap!" Gill had cheered. "She's stunning, you should definitely call her." Julie had smiled and nodded, but inside she was breaking down all over again. _No one will ever measure up to you, you gorgeous, mad cow._

* * *

As Julie pulled into Gill's driveway, she realised that Gill was definitely not alone. Then she remembered – it was Sammy's engagement party. Shit. She wasn't really dressed for the occasion, and she was tired and upset and just needed a bit of quiet and a chat with her best friend. _Oh well_, she thought, _I'll just have to suck it up and get through it somehow_. She walked up to the house and opened the front door, and stepped into a crowd of teenagers who were dancing to music that made Julie Dodson feel very old and out of place.

"Hey, Julie!" Sammy shouted across the room, and made his way over to her, greeting her with a smile and a hug. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Hiya kid. Congratulations!" Julie said, hugging him back. "Listen, where's your mum, love?"

Sammy shrugged. "I haven't seen her in a while. I guess she's either outside or upstairs somewhere."

"Okay, thanks," Julie said, giving him a warm smile before walking off to search for Gill.

Over by the stairs she ran into Rachel Bailey and Janet Scott, who were having a conversation about whether or not they would still be friends in twenty years. _Yes, you will_, Julie thought to herself. _Janet needs a bit of madness, and Rachel needs Janet's stability in her life._ She smiled politely at the both of them, and asked them if they had seen Gill.

"I think she's still upstairs," Janet said. "She got a bit pissed earlier, and we left her to have a bit of a nap to sleep it off."

"I see. Are you two okay?"

Rachel looked at Janet, who smiled and nodded, and Rachel turned to face Julie again. "Yeah, we're alright."

* * *

Standing in front of Gill's bedroom door, Julie could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She realised she had no idea what she would say to Gill, and she had no way of knowing what to prepare for. What kind of state was she going to find her in? How was she going to react when she saw Gill for the first time since the horrible events of the day?

Julie took a deep breath before knocking. She paused to wait for a response, but when she didn't hear anything she knocked again, a bit harder this time.

"Yes," she heard Gill grumble from inside the room.

Julie opened the door and peeked in to see Gill lying on her bed. "Hiya. Can I come in?"

"Please do," Gill said. She sat up, and rubbed her eyes. She had been waiting for Julie to show up, knowing that she must have been through all sorts of hell herself because of her little adventure.

"How are you feeling?" Julie asked, as she was closing the door behind her. Her heart ached when she noticed the bruising on Gill's neck.

"Oh, you know…" Gill smiled bravely. "How are things looking downstairs?"

"Not too bad. Seems like people are having fun down there."

"And what about Captain Underpants?" Gill said, and raised her eyebrows slightly.

"Well, he looked pissed, as per usual; you didn't expect any less, did you?" Julie replied sarcastically.

"I suppose not," Gill chuckled.

Julie always loved bantering with Gill. But she really wanted to get to the heart of the matter.

"How are you really, though, Gill?" She asked, with an expression of concern on her face.

Gill sighed. She didn't know how to respond to that question. She was feeling a lot of different things at the same time; she felt upset about Helen's death, she felt grateful to all the people who had given their all trying to save her, she felt relieved about being alive, and she felt angry about the injustice of it all.

"Please talk to me, love," Julie said softly.

"Oh, Julie…" Gill said, her voice breaking as the tears started rolling down her cheeks. "It was horrible!" She was full on crying now. "It hurts so badly that we weren't able to save her. You know?"

Julie climbed onto the bed to sit next to Gill, so she could put her arms around her best friend in an attempt to comfort her, if that was even possible after something like this.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, my love," Julie whispered into Gill's ear as she hugged her tightly, never wanting to let go.

Gill continued to sob onto her best friend's shoulder. It felt really nice to be held like this by Julie. There was no one else she would rather have been with right now.

"I'm just relieved we were able to save YOU, Gill. I don't know what I would have done with myself if we hadn't," Julie said, voice cracking at the final word. "I need you in my life, more than you know."

As soon as she'd said it, she regretted it. She was terrified of scaring Gill away if she ever found out exactly how she felt about her. She sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening that Gill hadn't taken notice of what she had just said.

Gill pulled back from Julie's embrace and examined her friend's facial expression closely. "What do you mean, more than I know?" She asked.

_Dammit._

It was now or never, Julie thought. She could continue to keep her feelings wrapped up, or she could come clean. She decided to take advantage of what she had just said, and leaned in to place a gentle kiss on her best friend's lips. She was painfully aware of what a risky move she was making, but something inside her had snapped today and she was no longer able to put up the cool front she had been wearing for so many years when she was around Gill.

To her surprise, though, Gill had put her arms around her neck and was kissing her back. At first it was a nice, gentle kiss, but it heated up quickly enough. Gill slipped her tongue into Julie's mouth, which made Julie's heart beat like it was trying to come out of her chest. Their tongues started interacting, and Gill moaned softly as she was kissing Julie passionately. Julie used her hands to gently push Gill down onto the bed so she was lying on her back with Julie on top of her. They continued kissing, tongues intertwining, lips covering lips. Julie found herself thinking, "It must be a dream, this cannot possibly be happening." Gill Murray was straight. She had always been straight, and therefore out of Julie's reach.

Reluctantly, Julie pulled away from Gill, and sat up. She had to choke back a sob as she felt tears welling up in her eyes. "I am so sorry, Gill! I don't know what is wrong with me." Julie looked away, scared of actually looking the woman she loved so desperately in the eye, knowing there was no chance of her feeling the same way.

Gill was left trying to catch her breath. As she did so, she slowly began to sit up.

"Julie…" Gill said, voice barely above a whisper. Julie didn't respond. She continued to look away. "Julie, look at me. Please?"

Doing her best to wipe away the tears that were spilling down her face, Julie turned around and looked at her best friend with great sorrow. Gill was gorgeous. She always had been, but for Julie she was getting more and more beautiful with every passing day. Looking at her now, she thought to herself that she had never looked as beautiful as she looked tonight.

Gill's heart was breaking all over again, seeing the expression on Julie's face; Julie's beautiful face. It was as if she was suddenly seeing her best friend for the first time, and it felt strange and exciting and like nothing she had ever felt before. She looked into the other woman's eyes, pain and longing written all over her face.

"I want this," she said, voice still barely audible. She stroked Julie's cheek, and leaned in to capture her lips with hers once more.

Julie couldn't stop herself this time. Before she knew it, she was on top of Gill again, kissing her with the kind of passion she didn't even know she had in her. Gill was kissing her back with equal force. "Please don't stop," she said, lips pressed against Julie's. The slightly older woman took this as her cue to start removing clothing items. She pulled off Gill's cardigan and then her own jacket, and threw them both on the floor. She started leaving a trail of kisses down Gill's neck, and she could feel Gill shivering beneath her.

Julie wanted access to more skin, so she unzipped Gill's dress and started tugging it up and eventually pulled it all the way over her head, only to reveal the most beautiful sight she had ever seen. She was absolutely stunning and utterly perfect in every possible way. Julie ran her hands over the other woman's hips and up her sides, taking every inch of her in. "You are so beautiful," Julie whispered softly into Gill's ear, before she continued to kiss her.

Gill could have cried when she heard Julie say those words. She had always just assumed that she wasn't Julie's type. Julie normally dated tall and curvy women, and Gill realised she was the opposite of that. And yet, here they were.

Gill wanted to see more of Julie, so she began fumbling with her belt and then her zip. "Roll over please," she said. Julie obeyed without even blinking, and Gill continued to pull Julie's trousers off, before coming back up to once again lock lips with her best friend. As she did so, she started unbuttoning her shirt, and began kissing her way down her neck and towards her chest until all the buttons were undone. Julie lifted herself up enough for Gill to pull the shirt off and then she crashed back down on the mattress and pulled Gill with her before rolling over again so she was back on top.

Julie removed Gill's bra, and started to kiss and rub her breasts tenderly, which caused Gill to moan even louder as her whole body reacted to Julie's touch. It felt amazing to have that effect on her. She kissed her way back up to Gill's neck, and once again captured her lips with hers, kissing her desperately, all those years of repressed longing finally coming to the surface.

With a trail of kisses, she moved back down the other woman's upper body, until she reached the edge of her panties, which by now were completely soaked. She ran her fingers along the inside of the underwear, causing Gill to whimper slightly. Finally, she pulled them off, and slowly inserted her finger inside of Gill, moving it around slightly until she found the spot she was looking for; Gill confirmed that she had found it by whimpering uncontrollably, followed by, "Oh my god," which prompted Julie to keep going.

Gill felt as if someone had set fire to her insides, but in an odd way that felt absolutely amazing. No one had ever made her feel like this before. Julie knew exactly what buttons to push. "Oh god, Julie…" Gill panted heavily, her whole body tensing up at every wave of pleasure going through her. Finally, she climaxed, and she held onto the mattress as she came, and Julie came in to kiss her just in time to silence Gill before she let out any loud noises. "Fuck, you're amazing!" Gill whispered, as she was kissing Julie back.

For a while they just lay there in silence, their arms wrapped around each other, eyes closed, listening to the faint sound of music and chatter from downstairs, just resting and enjoying the warmth of each other's bodies. But then Julie felt the nagging feeling of unease returning to her, and finally she couldn't keep it inside any longer.

"Gill?" She said, fighting hard to control her tears.

"Mhm?" The other woman replied sleepily.

Julie took a deep breath. "What does this mean?"

Gill lifted her head up to look at Julie, which was enough for the slightly older woman to lose every sense of control over her emotions, and she felt the tears well up in her eyes.

"Hey, why are you crying?" Gill asked, her voice full of concern.

"Gill, I love you," Julie sobbed. "I really, really love you."

"Oh, Julie," Gill said, and felt her own eyes fill with tears as well. She leaned in to kiss Julie softly on the lips, and then pulled back to look into her eyes. "I love you too, I hope you know that." She wiped the tears off of Julie's cheeks, gave her a soft smile, and then laid her head back onto her chest.

"I think we both need a good night's sleep," she said, and closed her eyes. "Yeah," Julie whispered, but she still wasn't entirely convinced that Gill wouldn't regret everything that had happened in the morning. Still, though, there was nowhere else she would rather be right now. If she could hold Gill and make her feel safe, even if just for one night, she would. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do for this woman.

* * *

When Julie woke up the next morning, Gill was still asleep next to her. She spent a few minutes just staring at the other woman. She looked so peaceful, Julie thought.

Reluctantly, Julie eventually got out of bed and started gathering her clothes up from the floor. She proceeded into the bathroom to get dressed.

Gill stirred, opened her eyes, and looked around, rubbing her eyes as she did so. She slowly sat up, noting the pounding head on her shoulders, and pulled the duvet with her as she realised she wasn't wearing anything. Then she remembered what had happened last night between her and Julie. She closed her eyes as she recalled exactly how good it had been. She wasn't sure how she felt about it now, though. What if something went wrong between them? She loved Julie way too much to lose her, but she also wanted more than just being friends. Suddenly their friendship didn't seem adequate anymore, which both scared and thrilled her. Clearly she had some serious thinking to do.

When Julie emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed, and found Gill awake and sitting up, she stopped in her tracks.

"Hey," Gill said, with a small smile.

"Hi," Julie said carefully. "How are you feeling?" She continued.

"I'm alright. Pain in the arse headache, though. What about you?"

"Fine. Tired. I need to go into the office now," she sighed.

"When will you be back?" Gill asked, with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

"I don't know. I'll text you." Julie shrugged, said bye, and left.

Gill was left on her own, feeling puzzled. Why had Julie seemed so distant? Did she regret what had happened? Was she having second thoughts? If so, what had last night been about? Would she have said all those things if she didn't mean them? Maybe it had just been an extreme reaction to yesterday's distressing events? Gill would have to consider her next step carefully.

* * *

Julie looked at her watch. Just after 6pm. She was just about finished with a batch of paperwork regarding Gill's abduction, after having been dragged through a series of agonizing meetings earlier in the day. The whole time, she kept seeing her hands on Gill's body, her lips on Gill's lips, and she tried to shake it off but it was close to impossible. She was terrified of facing Gill again; fearing what she felt certain would be the most heart breaking moment of her life. With shaky hands, she reached for her phone, and sent Gill a message.

_Finishing up at the office. Shall I come over after? J x_

Within a minute, her phone buzzed with a notification.

_Good. Yes, come over. I have a drink with your name on it. G x_

Julie chuckled, and replied: _On my way. J x_

* * *

Julie remembered, like it was yesterday, the day Dave had finally walked out on Gill. Her best friend had called her sounding really upset, and Julie had dropped everything and rushed right over to her house. There had been a lot of tears and even more screaming once she had arrived there, and an awful lot of vodka had been consumed.

"Fuck him! Fuck that twatty arsehole and his stupid twatty face!" Gill had yelled at one point, before bursting into tears all over again. She had been completely inconsolable that evening, and she had kept referring to herself as an "idiot", which pained Julie to no end.

"I've been weak," she'd declared. "I've been weak and pathetic and a moron."

"My love," Julie began, "you are none of those things. You are an amazing human being."

God, how she had wanted to kill that son of a bitch - wipe that smug expression off his face for good. She hated him with a passion, and she didn't understand how he could live with himself, considering the spectacular mistake he had just made. He'd never deserved Gill, but he had somehow been fortunate enough to marry her, anyway, and now he had left her completely broken. This sad, little piece of shit had made the most beautiful woman in the world cry herself empty, and it had made Julie feel sick to her stomach.

Gill had been shattered, and Julie was the one who had been there to pick up the pieces. She had held her when she cried, listened to her angry rants, and given her words of encouragement over a few bottles of wine. She had been there for her best friend every step of the way. She had been determined to make Gill feel loved and supported, even if she had only been able to do it as a friend. She had tried to be there for both Gill and Sammy, who had only been fourteen at the time, and had found out the hard way (was there any other way?) that his dad was a complete dickweed. It had been a very difficult time for all of them. As Julie walked across the street to her car, she found her thoughts drifting back to that terrible time in their lives, recalling just how badly they had all been affected by it, and how deep the hurt had gone, especially for Gill. She made a vow to herself that she was going to show Gill that she was worth so much more than what her crappy ex-husband had given her.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Julie pulled into Gill's driveway. For a few minutes, she just sat there, working up the courage to go in and face her fears. She had panicked before, in the morning, and she'd just wanted to escape so she didn't have to deal with it. But she realised she couldn't put it off any longer. Slowly, she opened the door and stepped out of her car. Slamming it shut behind her, she clicked on the central lock, and walked towards the front door. She rang the doorbell, taking a deep breath, and before she knew it the door flew open to reveal Gill standing there, with a warm smile on her face.

"Hiya slap! Come on in."

Julie stepped inside, and closed the door behind her. She took her coat off, and followed Gill into the living room. She must have spent the whole day tidying up, Julie thought to herself.

As promised, there were two glasses of wine on the table.

Julie sat down on the sofa, next to Gill, and picked up the glass. "Thanks for this," she said, "you have no idea how much I need this right now."

Gill laughed, and took a sip of wine herself. "I think I have a vague idea, actually."

"You probably do," Julie replied with a soft laugh.

They sat in silence for a moment, and Julie tensed up again. Here we go, she thought.

Gill put her glass down, and put her hands in her lap.

"So…" She said, uncertain about how to approach the subject.

"Yeah," Julie said.

"Last night…" Gill began. She looked up at Julie, who already appeared to have tears in her eyes.

"Please don't," Gill said, but it was too late; now she was crying too.

"I'm so sorry," blubbered Julie.

"Don't be!" Gill's voice was breaking. "It's all my fault."

"What do you mean?" Julie asked, choking back a sob.

"I should have known not to do what I did last night," Gill said sadly.

"Please stop, Gill…"

"No, I need to say this. I don't want to lose you as a friend, Julie. You mean too much to me. So can we please just forget about last night?" Gill said, sniffling and wiping away tears from her face.

"I could tell from the way you behaved this morning that you were regretting it too, and it's alright Julie. I just want to be your best friend, okay?"

Julie struggled to catch her breath as she listened to what Gill had to say. This is exactly what she had been afraid of. Gill just wanted to be friends. She could feel her heart shatter into a million little pieces.

Julie stood up and walked off to the hallway, unable to stop herself from sobbing uncontrollably anymore.

"Julie!" Gill called, and stood up, following her into the hallway.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this, Gill."

"What do you mean?" Gill sobbed.

"It just hurts too much. I can't do this right now."

With that, Julie walked out, leaving Gill behind once again.

* * *

Julie was lying on her sofa, curled into a ball whilst crying her eyes out. She had never been in this much pain before. Sure, she had experienced a thing or two in her job, but no physical pain she had ever experienced could even come close to the ache she was feeling now. It was as if someone was grabbing her heart and twisting it in several different directions. She was being torn to pieces from the inside.

How was she supposed to go on after this? Gone was Gill, mad cow and best friend, and gone was Gill, the most beautiful person she had ever known. Gone were the days of their effortless friendship. It would be too hard facing her after everything that had happened. This was what Julie had feared the most – that she would lose Gill if she revealed how she really felt about her. Fuck! Why had she been so weak? Why had she given into temptation? She should have known better.

The tears were still rolling down her cheeks when she heard a loud banging on her door. She sat up, slowly, and glanced quickly at her reflection in the mirror on the other side of the room.

_Oh shit_, she thought. _I look like a freak show._

There was more banging, and it was getting even louder.

"Yes, alright, I'm coming," she muttered quietly to herself. She stood up, quickly wiped her face with her hand, and walked over to her door to open it.

The sight that met her nearly made her heart jump out of her chest, at least that was what it felt like. A tearstained face with red, puffy eyes was staring back at her. Gill. Of course. _How does she still look so beautiful?_ Julie wondered to herself as the two of them stood there, as if frozen in time.

"I'm sorry," Gill sobbed. "God, I'm so sorry, Julie!"

She tried to walk towards her, but Julie backed away, another flood of tears threatening to spill out.

"What… what do you want, Gill?"

"I just-" Gill said, trying hard to gain some sense of control over her emotions, and failing miserably. "I want to apologise."

The sorrow on Gill's face broke Julie's heart all over again, but Julie couldn't let her guard down one more time. She was afraid she wouldn't survive it a second time.

"For what?" Julie asked, as the tears spilled down her face once more.

"I don't know… for everything? I can't lose your friendship, Julie, it means everything to me," Gill sobbed.

"Gill…" Julie began, fighting to regain control over her voice. "I wish, more than anything in the world, that we could go back to being best friends. I'm struggling to picture how I am going to get on without having you in my life. But Gill… tonight I was rejected by the love of my life. I really need some time to recover from that. Can you please be patient with me?" Julie's face was full of pain and despair, her voice barely above a whisper, and tears continued to stream down her cheeks as she spoke.

Gill didn't know how to react to what she was hearing. She didn't really understand what her best friend was telling her. Her head was a complete mess and her heart felt like it was being stabbed repeatedly with a sharp object. Seeing her best friend in so much pain was unbearable. She felt a really strong urge to wrap her arms around her and tell her how much she loved her.

"Did you just say, 'love of my life'?" Gill finally asked, heart racing a million miles a minute.

"Yeah. I did."

For something that seemed like several minutes, Gill just stood there, looking like someone had asked her a question that was impossible to answer. Julie wanted to put a foot in her own mouth. _Why did she have to say that?_

Then, suddenly, Gill made a leap forward, wrapped her arms around the taller woman and covered her lips with hers. Julie found herself kissing the smaller woman back. She needed Gill like she needed air.

The kiss was full of longing, pain and passion, which had been building up and was now being released into this one magical kiss. It was indescribable. Julie was once again completely caught up in the moment, and grabbed the other woman's face in her hands to pull her closer. Their tongues started dancing around each other, and Julie let a small moan slip out as she kissed the woman of her dreams both tenderly and passionately at the same time. For a moment, it was like nothing else existed around them.

Julie lifted Gill up and swung her around, and proceeded to pin her to the wall. She felt Gill's knees weaken slightly, and she tightened her grip around the smaller woman. They continued to kiss, time and space seemingly standing still around them. Then, as quickly as Gill had started the kiss, Julie forced herself to end it.

"Gill, what are we doing?"

Gill looked momentarily deflated.

"Why are you here?" Julie continued.

The other woman looked away, and took a long, deep breath, before looking back up into the eyes of the woman she liked to call her best friend.

"Are you… have you changed your mind, then?" It just slipped out before Gill had a chance to really think about it. She realised, as soon as she'd said it, that it sounded ridiculous.

"What do you mean?" Julie asked, sniffling and wiping her face furiously with her hands.

"Do you hate me, Julie?"

"Why would I hate you?"

"Because," Gill sobbed, "I'm a fucking twat who sends amazing people away just because she's scared." She looked down at her feet. "I'm so scared, Julie. I'm scared you'll see me in a different light once we're together, and that you won't like what you see. I'm terrified of losing you."

"My love, you will never lose me! When I said you were the love of my life, I meant it. I meant it with all my heart," Julie said, her voice breaking slightly. "You don't have anything to worry about. I have known you for half a lifetime, and I have loved you for so many years that I have lost track. I want to be with you forever, Gill."

Gill let out a couple of sobs, and looked away, biting her lip. "The last person who said that to me, most certainly didn't mean it."

"Oh, Gill. You know how much I hate what he did to you. He didn't deserve you, and he didn't even have the good sense to realise how far out of his league you always were. And yes, I do realise you are out of my league as well, but trust me, I would never stop feeling lucky if you actually agreed to be my girlfriend."

Listening to Julie talk, Gill felt her heart racing, and once again she could not stop the tears from flowing freely.

"Julie," she said, choking back a sob, "You are a beautiful human being, and I don't feel like I deserve you. I'm out of your league? Please stop thinking like that! If anything, you deserve better than me. I'm emotionally damaged. And anyway, I've seen the women you normally date, and I'm nothing like any of them. I thought I wasn't your type."

Julie let out a sound that was like half chuckle, half sob. "You mad cow. I love you."

Gill laughed through her tears. "Shut up, fat arsed bitch. I love you more."

They both smiled at each other through the tears, and then they burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Gill fell back towards the wall, and slid down into a sitting position, putting her head in her arms. She was laughing hysterically at this point. Julie, also lost in a fit of laughter, slumped down next to her. They sat like that for a few minutes, trying to compose themselves.

"God, we're a right mess, you and me," Gill said, wiping tears of laughter from her face. Julie nodded her head in agreement. They stopped to look at each other, and Julie leaned in to place a light kiss on Gill's lips. She pulled back enough to look her best friend in the eyes. "So, what do you say, you soppy cow. Are you my girlfriend?"

Gill chuckled. "If you'll have me."

Julie shook her head and laughed. Then she leaned in to kiss her again. "Idiot," she said, once the kiss had ended.

"Did you really think you weren't my type?" Julie asked, wiping away the last of her tears.

"Yes. Come on, Julie, you've always dated these tall, beautiful women. So where do I fit into that equation?"

"Gill, you ridiculous woman. Have you seen yourself? If you think you are anything BUT beautiful, you are so wrong."

"Oh, piss off, I'm not that pre-"

"You're stunning," Julie interrupted, before Gill could finish the sentence. "In fact, I'd say you're perfect."

Gill smiled, and shook her head. "Crazy bitch. Come here," she said, and pulled Julie in for a long kiss. "If I'm perfect, what are you?"

* * *

Later that night, as Gill lay wrapped up in Julie's arms, Julie couldn't stop smiling. Here she was with this gorgeous woman, who she was lucky enough to call her best friend AND her girlfriend. _This must be what ultimate happiness feels like_, she thought to herself. She still couldn't quite believe it, despite having been on the most extreme emotional roller coaster of her life in just a few hours. It didn't seem real. It seemed almost impossible that she could have been this lucky.

Julie felt a single tear roll down her cheek, and she wiped it away and sniffled slightly. Gill looked up from her light slumber.

"Are you alright, my love?" She asked, concern evident in her voice.

"Yes. I have never been happier than I am right now. But at the same time…" She hesitated. "I'm still terrified that it will go away again, that you'll change your mind somehow, because I couldn't cope with that. Not a second time."

"Nah, you're stuck with me this time," Gill smiled and stroked Julie's cheek lightly. Julie responded with a soft laugh.

"I really mean it when I say just how sorry I am about the way I handled things before, Julie. I promise you it won't happen again. I know you won't believe me just yet, but I will prove to you just how much I love you and how serious I am about being in this relationship." She smiled cheekily and continued: "Turns out my best friend can make me laugh until I cry AND give me THREE orgasms within a few minutes. Now, that's what I call multi-talented."

Julie punched Gill's shoulder lightly. "Oh shut up, you cheeky sod."

Gill leaned down and whispered into Julie's ear: "Make me."

Julie rolled around so she was on top of Gill. "Alright," she grinned, and leaned down to kiss her girlfriend passionately.

* * *

The next morning, Julie awoke to an empty bed. She felt a slight jolt of panic; had Gill changed her mind again? But then she heard someone rustle around in the bathroom, and a minute later Gill emerged wearing nothing but her lacy underwear, making Julie's heart skip at least three beats.

"Hey slap, I borrowed your deodorant, and I found a spare toothbrush in your cupboard, is that okay?"

She came over to the bed and lay down next to Julie.

Julie took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear a word of what you just said, because I was too busy staring at you walking around looking sexy as hell."

Gill chuckled. "Yeah, well, you'll get used to it."

"I'm not so sure about that," Julie laughed.

"I better go get dressed, then," Gill said, raising her eyebrows.

"Don't you dare," Julie replied, and dragged Gill back down into her arms.

"Silly cow," Gill muttered playfully. She then turned around to place a light kiss on Julie's lips.

Julie rolled over and pinned Gill to the mattress. "Silly cow, eh? We'll see who's silly when I'm finished with you!"

"DON'T. YOU. DARE." Gill said, giving Julie a pretend-stern look, before bursting into laughter. Julie looked away, trying to stop herself from laughing, but it was a battle she was doomed to lose.

"'Don't you dare' what?" She asked, before cracking up at the expression on Gill's face.

"Hey, what are you laughing at, fat arsed bitch?" Gill was trying to keep a straight face, but the way her face was twitching completely betrayed her.

"Your face, you mad woman," Julie laughed.

"What's wrong with my face?"

Julie shook her head, still laughing. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

She leaned in to place a sound kiss on Gill's lips. Then she pulled back just enough to look into the other woman's eyes. "I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing that," she said, lovingly smiling at her girlfriend.

"Me neither," Gill said, smiling back.

"Soppy cow," Julie mumbled.

"What? ME?" Gill exclaimed, and pushed Julie away so she landed on her back next to her. Then she proceeded to climb on top of the other woman.

"You know, you're surprisingly strong for such a small person," Julie said with a cheeky smile.

"Shut up," Gill said, and leaned in to capture Julie's lips with hers. Julie immediately kissed her back with equal fervour. She still couldn't quite believe that this was actually happening, and frequently considered pinching herself, but she eventually decided that if this WAS a dream, she didn't want to wake up.

Gill's lips eventually left Julie's to wander down her neck. She was searching for Julie's sensitive spots, and she could feel Julie reacting when she found the right ones. Gill ran her hands down the curve of Julie's upper body, and all the way down to the hem of the other woman's nightie. She started to remove it, slowly but surely, and finally Julie sat up slightly, allowing Gill to pull it off completely. Once she had thrown the piece of clothing on the floor next to the bed, she once again leaned in to kiss her girlfriend intensely.

She trailed off on another path of kisses down Julie's neck, in-between her breasts, and down her stomach, until she reached the other woman's thoroughly soaked panties. She pulled them off, being deliberately slow, making Julie's breathing more and more unsteady.

"Oh god, _please_," Julie panted.

Gill smiled triumphantly to herself, before thrusting her tongue inside of Julie.

* * *

"Holy cow, where did you learn to do _that_?" Julie exclaimed, with Gill wrapped up in her arms under the warmth of the duvet.

Gill couldn't help but laugh. "I'm just a genius, you should know that by now."

Julie chuckled. "You certainly are. A beautiful genius."

Gill placed a soft kiss on Julie's lips. "And don't you forget it," she said with a wide grin.

* * *

**Author's note: This is what I have written so far. I wrote it a few months ago, but have had to work up the courage to publish it. I don't know if I'm going to continue with this story yet, but please feel free to leave constructive criticism, as I am always looking to improve.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, so I know I said I was open to criticism, but as it turns out I am rather terrified of that! So instead I want to ask you to be nice, haha. Thanks to those who have already written reviews, I really appreciate it, even though it also makes me highly anxious and scared of actually looking at them. Lol, I know, I am pathetic. Anyway, here is another chapter. Writing stories feels very personal to me, and sharing my writing with others is something I do not take lightly, but I figured I could at least give it a go.**

**Another thing that scares me is the fact that I didn't create these characters - they aren't mine, and therefore they already have established personalities which I have to channel, and I may or may not be successful in my attempt to do just that, lol.**

**This has been a rant.**

* * *

Gill woke up abruptly, gasping for air, with sweat dripping from her forehead. She sat up, slightly disoriented, and looked around the room – although she didn't know what for, exactly. Blurry images from the nightmare she had just escaped from slowly resurfaced: a pool of blood on a car seat, which had expanded into a big red ocean that was about to swallow the car with her in it; Helen's face telling her to follow the blood path to the kingdom of death; stuff that made no actual sense but still seemed so very real.

Emotionally, she'd had a very intense couple of days. She was still trying to process it all; somehow the world seemed so incredibly different to what it had been just 48 hours ago. She had come face-to-face with death, and was grappling with some pretty major demons as a result of it. She'd had her whole world turned upside down when the woman who had been her best friend for more years than she could count had suddenly professed her love, and she had realised almost immediately that she actually felt the same way. Now she was here, with Julie lying next to her, fast asleep, and she could feel everything wash over her in waves. Helen was dead. She had been unable to save her. God, how she wished she could have saved her. She wished she could have had a chance to make things right again. Was it her fault? Had she actually ruined the poor woman's life?

Unable to go back to sleep, Gill got out of bed and made her way to the toilet. Once she had closed the door behind her, she sank down against it and finally allowed the tears to fall down her face. She was crying for Helen, for Louise, for Sheila and Michael, and for all the other victims buried in the Bevan cellar. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see the life slowly drain out of Helen's eyes. She couldn't escape the mental images.

* * *

A noise caused Julie to wake up; it had sounded like a muffled sob, slightly high-pitched. She opened her eyes, and could see a small ray of light coming from the bathroom. Then she noticed that Gill was no longer next to her. Slowly, she got up, feeling an increased sense of worry as she walked carefully towards the bathroom door.

"Gill?" She said, as gently as she could, not really knowing what to expect.

No answer.

"Gill, love, what's going on?"

Still no answer; instead she could hear another sob.

"Right, Gill, I'm coming in," she declared, too worried to wait any longer. She opened the door, and immediately knocked into something. She quickly realised that it was Gill.

"Gill, please let me in."

Gill slid away from the door, which allowed Julie the space to enter into the room. As soon as she saw Gill's face, her heart fell into the pit of her stomach. She was obviously in a lot of pain, and Julie wished she could make it go away, but she knew Gill would have to fight these demons herself. She was going to make damn sure she wasn't alone, though.

She sat down next to the other woman, and pulled her into a hug in an attempt to comfort her.

"Whenever you're ready, you can talk, and I will listen, and hold you when you need me to. You know that, right?"

Gill sniffled, and another sob escaped despite her best effort to keep it inside.

"I'm sorry," she managed, without looking up.

"What for?" Julie asked.

"For this; for being this way. This must be the worst way to start a relationship." Gill's voice was trembling.

"Gill, listen to me. I love you. You are the love of my life. We have gone through hard times together before, and we will do it again. Remember Dave? I wanted to be by your side, more than anything, even when you were hurting from being left by someone else and I was so in love with you I sometimes found it hard to breathe in your presence. Whatever you're going through, I want to go through it with you. Okay?"

She could feel Gill nod against her chest. Julie's heart was aching so badly, and she was feeling hopeless and helpless when she thought about how limited she was. Gill was wrong on so many levels when she said it was the worst start to a relationship, though; for Julie, it had been the absolute best. She couldn't come up with a word that would adequately describe how she felt about Gill, but it was a dream come true, and it had been perfect in its own way, despite everything. It had made them both forget about reality for a little while. But now it was back to haunt them both – Gill in particular.

After a couple of minutes, Gill looked up and straight at Julie with a tearstained face. "I love you," she whispered. "I can't imagine what I would do without you."

"And you won't ever have to," Julie said reassuringly. She lovingly stroked the other woman's cheek, before pulling her into an even tighter embrace.

"Everything hurts, Julie," Gill finally said, after sitting like that for several minutes.

"I know, love," Julie managed, barely in control of her own voice as she watched how broken her girlfriend was after everything that had happened. A tear made its way down her cheek, and she wiped it away quickly.

Life seemed so unfair sometimes.

* * *

Julie struggled to keep her eyes from falling shut as she sat in her office staring at the computer screen in front of her. She had eventually managed to get Gill back to bed around five-ish, and now the sleepless night was beginning to take its toll. She had left Gill alone in her bed to go to work; hopefully she was still there, getting some much-needed rest. She had been given fourteen days off work to begin with, as well as six mandatory therapy sessions to make sure she was okay to go back to work.

Julie yawned, and looked at the time. Still only 9:35, even though it felt like she had been sitting here for several hours. She couldn't focus on anything today. Even the thought of having to get up to make a cup of coffee made her feel completely drained. It seemed impossible. She shook her head, and tried to concentrate on the document she was reading, but the words just weren't registering. All she wanted to do was go back home and make sure Gill was okay. She wanted to keep her safe. She knew these thoughts were irrational, but she kept thinking about Gill being strapped to that car seat, and the knife against her face, and her heart started beating out of control and she wanted to run home and grab Gill before anything bad could happen to her. Her brain kept coming up with all these horrible alternative endings; she was getting mental images of Gill being stabbed in the back, or having her throat sliced, or actually driving the car off the cliff into the ocean. She didn't know how to block these images out. She couldn't stop thinking about the what-ifs: what if Gill had died before Julie had the chance to tell her how much she loves her?

She swallowed hard, and tried to focus on her computer screen for what seemed like the billionth time, but eventually she had to admit defeat. She got up and walked in what felt like slow motion over to the coffee machine.


End file.
